Yesterday I attended my first Seattle Kraken game. I went alone, of course. I tucked a small dose of Ativan under my tongue to take the edge off. I’d been to the old Key Arena multiple times. This new place, Climate Pledge Arena, was built around the Key’s skeleton. The only identifiable trace of the Key is its iconic roof, which was left nearly unchanged. My final trip to the Key was with Allison in 2021. We watched the Seattle Storm.
Anyway, I enjoyed the first period. The guy seated next to me was nice. We exchanged some initial pleasantries but didn’t talk much after that. There was some scoring. Big hits. Penalty kills. But as the 2nd period started, things began to slide downward.
“Allison would have loved these seats. She would’ve been so excited.”
“I bet Allison would’ve been mesmerized by the pregame pomp and circumstance.”
“I bet Allison would’ve gotten something from the poke stand. She would’ve wanted a sweet treat during the 3rd period. I wonder what she would’ve gotten.”
I didn’t take any pics. No videos. Photographs mean nothing when there’s no one with whom to share. When I’d go on a photography hike, I’d be eager to get home and show Allison all the beauty I had captured with my Nikon. “Which one is your favorite?” I always asked. “Oh, I really like that one! Can you send me a copy? I’ll use it as wallpaper for my phone.” I’m colorblind, and Allison always helped me get the colors right. Allison helped me in so many ways.
Slap shots were flying, and people were cheering. I clenched my jaw tight to keep the tears inside. And I just sat there for the rest of the game. My responses were muted. I clapped when the home team scored but only out of obligation. Feigning enthusiasm is a skill I’ve mastered over these many years.
But this is my life now. I haven’t experienced true joy in over a year. Anhedonia, it’s called. I love the PNW and especially love Seattle. This city feels like home. Or it used to. Allison and I moved here in 2014, and living in this city— a city we explored together— without her is an alienating experience. We made memories across this city. And everywhere I go, I see our ghosts. I’ve considered moving, but I can’t do it now or anytime soon. Committing to anything in my current state would be a mistake. When you’ve lost the desire to live, nowhere sounds appealing. Nowhere is far enough from myself.