In a final attempt to avoid a suicidal fate, I started escitalopram (Lexapro) at the start of the new year. I’d made a deal with myself: if you’re really going to pursue the final act (I had begun writing letters to people; I had a plan; I made a list of things one does to “get his affairs in order”), you’ve got to exhaust every line of therapy. The only thing I hadn’t tried was medication. Within about 10 days, everything turned around. I felt great. The greatest I’d felt in— forever? But recently things have turned against me. I’ve developed tinnitus. My insomnia has gotten exponentially worse. (Both of those issues, although rare, are possible side effects of taking an SSRI.) The tinnitus I can probably tolerate. But the insomnia, which was bad before I started the medication, is unbearable. I struggle to fall asleep. When I do sleep, I’m waking up every 90-120 minutes. And sometimes when I awake, I see flashbacks (a common symptom of PTSD) of Allison when she was sick. When these flashbacks strike, it’s like taking a shot of espresso: suddenly I’m wired and sleep isn’t happening.
So, with the OK by my doctor, I halved the escitalopram dose to 5mg. I was hopeful I’d still see some benefits. But today, five days after cutting the dose, all the bad feelings are returning. I’m thinking about suicide again. The irritability is climbing. The rumination is ramping up. And the insomnia hasn’t improved. And I’m so fucking discouraged. I caught a glimpse of feeling “normal” and “optimistic,” only to have it ripped away from me.
Ideally, I’d love to find a qualified professional to medicate me. But psychiatrists are of short supply, and I’ve all but given up trying to find one. I messaged my doctor about the aforementioned issues and hope to hear from her soon. Because once again, I’m struggling.